The Loneliness Epidemic- How Isolation and Hyper-Independence Hurts You- and Everyone Else

We are a force when we are together.

“If I were you-know-who, I’d want you to feel cut off from everyone. If it’s just you alone, you’re not as much of a threat.” - Luna Lovegood

I used to be hyper independent. “Toxic” independent. And part of me was even a little proud about it. I would try to fix plumbing issues I had no business trying to fix to avoid calling my apartment maintenance. I have rejected friend’s offers to help me move, and kicked myself later when my “easy” move move took 8 hours and had me starting a cross country drive at night.

For the longest time, I struggled to admit I wanted to find a romantic partner, nearly gagging on the words every time I attempted to say them out loud- as if it was shameful to want connection, intimacy, and partnership. I was that strong, independent, don’t-need-nobody bad b*tch. But as Megan Thee Stallion says, bad b*tches have bad days, too. And bad b*tches, deep down, are often sad b*tches, tender and hurt- and maybe even a little bit lonely. Like most people with tough exteriors, they became that way for a reason, as a self protective mechanism.

Last year, I was forced to drop the hyper independence act. My job laid me off unexpectedly after moving me across the country, where I knew hardly anyone, and I struggled to get back on my feet.

I learned how necessary it was to have friends, community, and to ask for help. I learned that asking for help is not a sign of weakness- it’s a sign of resilience. A refusal to give up.

It also made me realize I was happy to help others in need- whether it was advice, a favor, a grocery trip or a tank of gas. It made me feel good to help others, so why was it so hard to believe it made others feel good when they were helping me?

Service and connection are core pillars of every recovery program, spiritual practice, or any purpose- based life path. There’s data to back it up, too. Being of service to others makes us feel good. So if you feel like shit, do something nice for someone else. If you’re looking for friends, be a friend first.

Giving is a balancing act, of course—if we give more than we can, picking up the tab when we’re struggling to pay our own bills, or helping others when we’re neglecting our own needs- we run the risk of resentment and codependency.

On the other end of the spectrum, if we are always the ones in need of help- looking to take from others, always a victim, and not reciprocating, this isn’t helpful either.

But when we pretend everything is fine, and in truth we are hanging on by a thread, we need to get comfortable with reaching out to our communities, and leaning into connection.

For years, I hated asking for help of any kind- I felt like a burden to others. I felt weak and like I should be able to handle everything on my own. Why?

Our culture has shifted into hyper independence- we all live in isolation, and many of us work in isolation, too. We get from place to place in our own cars, and we go out into the world with headphones plugged in our ears, cut off from the people around us. We are told to hustle and to improve ourselves, mothers are expected to be superwomen- working full time and somehow also caring for children and homes, and looking amazing while doing it. We’re too tired to socialize. We don’t have time.

But at what cost?

We are meant to connect.

For years I felt there was something inherently wrong with me. I felt different from other people- and not in a good way. Whether I was with my family or a close group of friends, I always felt… not quite right. Then, I learned many people healing from trauma had this feeling, and it’s something we adopt in childhood as a protective mechanism.

After quitting alcohol, years of therapy, EMDR, equine therapy, psychedelic assisted therapy, meditation, and embodiment, I finally realize there is nothing wrong with me.

I am a little weird. I am not everyone’s cup of tea. But there is nothing wrong with me. And the more I let myself exist exactly as I am, the more of “my people” I attract. The people who get me, who let me be me, who make me feel accepted just as I am. The people who are a little weird, too.

Lonely Planet

Health experts say that loneliness is our nations greatest health risk.

“If you want to understand any problem in America, you need to focus on who profits from the problem, not who suffers from that problem.” -Amos Wilson

Who profits from our loneliness? A for-profit healthcare system that grows as we become more sick. Social media and dating apps that give us empty promises for connection, and the illusion that we are connecting. Porn that seduces us and then digs it’s claws into us- creating an insatiable need for more, but never truly satisfying the need for real, physical touch and intimacy with another human. These things rob us of the time we could use to instead to reach out, to get outside of our screens and actually connect in real time with the people around us.

Lonely people might not even know they are lonely- we work long hours, often alone in our homes, and so do a lot of people we know. It’s become normalized.

There’s a hole inside we try to fill with junk food, netflix, online shopping, drugs, alcohol, more money, porn, sugar, etc. but none of these are cures for loneliness. So we try to fill the hole with more- maybe a bigger house will fill the hole! Maybe a boob job! It’s very profitable, this loneliness business!

But maybe what would satisfy us is so much more simple. Maybe it’s a phone call, a coffee, or a walk with a friend. Maybe it’s going to a yoga or meditation class or a 12 step meeting. Maybe it’s singing up for that art class, or volleyball league.

Witches, Wizards, and the Dark Lord

We have power in numbers. Look at Harry Potter. Voldemort wanted Harry to feel isolated and cut off because Harry was weaker and more susceptible to the dark forces when he was shut off. When he is connected to friends and community, however, they combine their powers and are a force to be reckoned with.

Loneliness makes us more susceptible to the darkness- whatever that is for you. Addiction, unfulfilling hookups, eating food that makes you feel bad, buying things you don’t need.

Community makes us more powerful- we can see our blind spots, combine our strengths, relate, connect, and help one another. We are more accountable in community- making better choices for ourselves and each other. We are stronger when we combine our powers, talents, resources, and networks.

Connection Heals

“Connection is the opposite of addiction.”

I wasn’t able to quit drinking until I started attending 12 step meetings, and met people who didn’t drink and talked about real shit. It made me feel less alone, and I realized how important it was to stay in community. I can probably count on two hands the number of meetings I’ve been two in the last few years, but learning I wasn’t alone in my struggles was pivotal, and no doubt the turning point for me in releasing my attachment to alcohol. Connection is like meditation- even if you do it badly, it still works.

You don’t have to suffer alone. Your people are out there and they are looking for you, too. We need more than just ourselves. We can’t expect our partner to be everything to us either- our confidante, best friend, lover, travel companion, shopping buddy, etc.

Make a commitment to building connection and community.

If you feel a strong connection with someone you meet, ask them for a coffee. Go to classes, events, and meetups that interest you. Be a friend first. If you feel awkward and shy, go up to the loneliest looking person in the room and start up a conversation. You’ll be glad you did, and so will they.

Isolation and hyper independence doesn’t work. The world is on fire. We’re in a mental health crisis. Sure, it’s good for big tech and big pharma, but it’s not good for us, for our futures, or for our children.

We need to prioritize community and connection. It saves lives. Maybe it will save your neighbors life, or maybe it will save yours.

With Love,

Sarah